Broken Hearts

R.I.P. Sadie 

January 31, 2005 - October 18, 2012

Our beloved Sadie dog passed away on Friday morning. Sadie suffered from severe allergies all her life and was on steroids to keep her comfortable. Labradors have a tendency to eat a lot to begin with, but the steroids increased her appetite for nearly everything... flowers, grass, toilet paper, mulch... you name it. 

So when she got ill in the early morning hours, we didn't think it was anything more than an upset stomach from something she ate. I am ashamed now to admit that I was annoyed that she vomited on the carpet that I had just had professionally cleaned last week. 

We called the vet and scheduled an appointment for later in the morning... still believing that she would probably bounce back before that.

Sadie was lying in the mudroom, and didn't want to eat the rice and eggs I made for her. Then I noticed that she was bleeding, and my world stopped. Thank God my husband was home and was able to lift her into the car and rush her to the vet. But, in my heart, I knew as they pulled away that she wasn't going to make it. 

The vet's office is only 5 minutes away, so the phone rang about 10 minutes later. It was my husband saying she was bleeding internally and we needed to make the decision to put her to sleep or have them try to save her. She had less than a 50/50 chance of surviving surgery and she may not make it to the hospital for the surgery. I cried and told him that I wasn't prepared for this. I couldn't make that call. I heard him say to the vet, "try to save her," and he hung up.

My kids were home because it was the first day of their Fall Break, and my mom came over to be with them, so that I could get to the animal hospital. I texted my husband, asking if I should come now. His response was, "no." And, I knew then that she was no longer with us.

After my husband had hung up with me, he had called my father (a huge dog lover and Sadie's favorite person) for some perspective. My father made the call that we knew was right, but couldn't bring ourselves to do. We didn't want her to suffer any more and possibly die on the way to the hospital. We wanted her to rest and be at peace and not have to suffer any more.

My dad with Sadie

As the vet put her to sleep, my husband stroked her, reassured her how much we loved her, apologized to her and prayed over her. He said it was very peaceful. I'm sorry I wasn't with her in those final moments. I took my oldest son to the vet's office and we were able to spend some time with her. She looked very peaceful. 

It has been an incredibly difficult few days. I have so much guilt about not recognizing that this was so serious and not rushing her to the vet immediately. I have nightmares about the last time I saw her alive. I have anxiety every time I go into the mudroom. I cry. A lot.

Needless to say, I am not myself. I really don't care about decorating my house or making it look pretty. I want dog hair on the kitchen floor, a big metal crate in the family room and dog puke on the carpet (well, not really, but it wouldn't bother me). 

So, I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to give myself permission to take a little break. I don't know how this grief will affect me from day to day. Maybe I'll be back with a post soon. But, if not, I'm not going to beat myself up about it. I hope you understand.

I know Sadie was a dog, and I know people experience much deeper loss than mine. But our hearts are broken and things are different around here, and we need a little time to heal.

Sadie, I hope you know how much you were loved. I hope you know how sorry I am that I couldn't save you. I hope you are running and chasing squirrels and eating lots of great things without getting sick. And, I hope I get to see you again.